We have all made wishes for things that we felt we needed right now or at least very soon. This could be for a job, better health, extra money, etc… Of course if that wish comes to fruition, then we are very happy. When it does not happen, we immediately start to think negative thoughts. Why them and not me? What am I doing wrong for it not to happen? I want to share my wish that was never fulfilled.
I met Cassie in 2007 and she would end up changing my life more that I would ever thought possible. We started talking and found out that we had a lot in common. Our relationship began shortly after the friendship. She was the first person that I had truly fallen in love with. The kind of love where you never stop thinking about them, can’t wait to see them, and even enjoy waking up next to them. She felt the same way towards me.
The relationship lasted 5 months. We took a break in our relationship, due to our own circumstances that we were each dealing with, but remained friends. We would still hang out, have conversations and joke around. Then in May 2008, she lost control of her car, crashed into a tree and died on impact. Friends and family were in total shock because she was only 21 and had so much life left to live. This was 1 of the hardest times in my life and threw me into the deepest depression I have ever dealt with.
At first, all I could think about was “Why her and not me?” That quickly turned into “There is no other reason to be alive.” I knew that suicide would bring great sadness and tear my family apart as they would each start to blaming themselves for not being there for me. So, I figured that a bad accident would be less painful on them. I know now how crazy and stupid that sounds, but at that time the pain was so great and the depression was so strong….I just wanted it to all stop!
So what did I do???? I started driving down the back roads going 70+ mph. Taking the back roads whenever I could, even if it was out of the way to reach my destination. I remember at times of reaching 90 mph. Each time I would be hoping for a deer to jump out, a large tree branch to fall onto the road, a tire to blow, etc… As each day that passed without this being accomplished, I got more frustrated and would purposely drive more just to try increasing my chances of this happening.
Months passed by and with no luck. I was still alive! I was beyond frustrated until 1 day after driving down a back road like I had been doing. As I came to the stop sign, logic had finally gathered enough strength to say “THIS IS STUPID! “ I stayed at that stop sign for at least 5 mins , crying and screaming “It’s not fair! Why her and not me? Why God?” To this day, I do not have the answers to these questions and I never will. I have accepted this and am ok with it.
Fast forward to today…I am forever grateful that this wish was never granted. The pain is still there but I am thankful that I went through this. I have learned a lot about myself since then. Having realized exactly how important my life is to me and to the people in my life. I have amazing people in my life and cannot wait to meet the new ones that will come along. If my wish was granted back then, I wouldn’t have been able to accomplish the dreams and goals I have had achieved today. My future is bright and so is yours.
“Things happen for a reason.” I know you probably hate that quote, I know I did, but it is the honest truth. We will not be able to get the answers to all our questions. What we are able to do is learn and grow from our circumstances in life. If we achieve this, then we will be able to acquire more peace in our lives amongst the chaos in the world today. Want to leave you with 1 last quote “Be careful what you wish for.” Until my next blog post….SHARE. INSPIRE. CONQUER.